Tag Archives: autism parenting

The Journey: ABA and How I Feel about It Now

[This post is the first in a series about looking back on aspects of my journey as an autism parent and how I feel about it now that my son is 20 years old.]

One thing you’ll find with most parents of children who have autism is that they always remember D-Day. The day of their child’s diagnosis. The day everything changed.

Some parents are devastated; they grieve for the future they envisioned for their child, for the parenting experience they expected to have. How could this happen to me? To us? This is so wrong!

Some parents are filled with shock and fear – what does this mean? What are they supposed to do? What’s the next step? What does this mean for their child’s future? They feel a sense of dread and despair for the journey ahead of them.

Some are angry. Who does this doctor think she is? She doesn’t know my child. My child shows affection! He laughs! How dare this doctor say he has autism? I know my child better than any professional could.

Some, surprisingly, feel relief. They knew something was different about their child. They knew their child should have been talking by now. They knew he wasn’t just a “late bloomer.” They knew their child wouldn’t be shrieking at any outing in the community unless there was something going on with him.

And, of course, many parents feel a combination of these reactions and emotions. Me? I felt strangely relieved, but also shocked and fearful of the future. In 1997, the year of our D-Day, autism was still considered by some in the medical field to be the death sentence of developmental disabilities. There wasn’t much information out there. No internet, few books. Somehow I found out about ABA and learned that there was a local center that offered ABA-based therapy, without the use of aversives. At that time there were only four children in the program, and my son became one of them.

From the age of 3 to 6 years, he received approximately 25 hours a week of therapy, including two home visits every week. He was taught to communicate using PECS – Picture Exchange Communication System – with cue cards and schedules. He also received speech and occupational therapy. When he responded to the behavior therapy by following instructions and interacting with the therapist, he received a gummy bear or some other type of treat. And after over two years of this intensive therapy, he began stringing together three words of spontaneous speech. He was five and a half, and I had some hope.

Over the course of many years, he progressed more than I had ever dared to dream. I felt certain it was because of the early intervention therapy he had received. I recommended ABA-based therapy to other parents I met. I believed that it saved my son. He wasn’t cured, and I never expected that, or even hoped for it. But I had wanted him to be able to interact with us and navigate this world as comfortably as he could.

At some point, probably when I participated in the Partners in Policymaking program last year, I became aware of the concept that maybe he would have been okay on his own, without therapy. Maybe he hadn’t needed to lose 25 hours a week of his childhood and been made to feel like there was something wrong with him. Maybe he would have learned to speak on his own timeline, might have naturally developed a way to filter all the sensory input that agonized him. Maybe with time he would have been fine on his own, and he could have just been allowed to be a little kid, unfettered by sitting in a chair across from a therapist five days a week. Maybe he could have had a “normal” childhood.

And I started to feel bad about the therapy I had so exuberantly lauded. I started to think that my son, with all the gummy bears and goldfish crackers he was rewarded with, had been trained like a seal. Or a lab rat. How could I have thought that was how to teach him? How could I have thought that was beneficial for him?

Either way, there’s no way of knowing if it was the therapy or if it was just the passing of time. And instead of beating myself up over something I will never know, I have come to accept the belief that it was both. It was the therapy and it was the passing of time. But it was also my son’s determination, my belief and hope, our connection, and our love. It was not one thing; it was everything.

[Image courtesy of Keep Calm Studio]

The Autism Parent’s Journey

If I had to condense my 15 years of being an autism parent into one word, it would be “changed.”  I have irrevocably evolved. I have experienced more than I ever bargained for when I entered the general parenting realm, and more than I anticipated. I knew I would love my children unconditionally, knew that I would do anything for either of my sons. But because of autism I have felt deeper, searched longer, and stretched farther than I ever expected.

Because of autism I was much more involved and attentive, I developed nearly infinite patience, and I started to view not only those with special needs but everyone with more compassion. Because of stares and negative comments and ignorance, I’ve developed what I call “diplomatic advocacy.” Because of elevated fears and autism-affected family dynamics, I’ve learned how to do what I can and let go. I’ve accepted that I needed to ask for help and am doing better because of it.

But what has helped me the most has been something I never would have thought of when Nigel was diagnosed back in 1997. For years I did not know any other parents of autistic children, and I felt so isolated. I didn’t even realize how much I needed to connect until he headed into the teen years, and it hit me that I had to find other parents who were facing that as well. This was 2007, and, not finding much on autism in the teen years online, I started TeenAutism.com a few months later. Shortly after that, I discovered what I had missed for ten years – camaraderie, understanding, and a new kind of group therapy. In 2009, I traveled to Nepal as an autism parent advocate and discovered how universal our emotions are. Our individual journeys all differ in some ways, but the feelings we share, the fears, the frustrations, and the triumphs, are often very similar.

With that in mind, and this being Autism Awareness Month, I have written The Autism Parent’s Journey, a free PDF book that I am offering to those who subscribe to my monthly newsletter. The book is a simple, brief tribute to autism parents and the journey we find ourselves on. In it, I list resources and strategies for coping, as well as my 15-year-post-diagnosis outlook and thoughts on the future that those of us with special needs children face. I’d be honored if you’d take a look, and I hope you enjoy it and find it helpful. Most of all, I hope it reminds you that you are not alone.

P.S. In addition to the book (or instead of it), I am also offering a free PDF of the first chapter of Slip, if you haven’t read it yet and are curious. Click here to subscribe, and thank you for your interest!