Honoring

“How do you honor yourself?” The question hung in the air expectantly; no one was quite sure how to answer it. We had to give it some thought.

I was attending a small dinner party at my boyfriend’s house, and one of the guests, a friend of his who plays the viola in an orchestra, had asked the question. He was in the middle of a demonstration of the work he does with Alzheimer’s patients, a combination of group discussion and music interpretation. We – my boyfriend, his son and daughter, Neil, and another guest – sat on comfortable couches in the living room and thought about what it might possibly mean to honor ourselves.

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The question couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time for me. As some of you might recall, I had taken on a seasonal job a few years ago, when I began homeschooling Neil, to help make up for lost income in drastically reducing my work hours at my regular job. For almost five years I have done the quarterly royalty calculations for an independent music label, one that works with 50 artists. I compile sales reports from various sources, calculate each artist’s share, and prepare statements for them. And I’m able to do it from home, which was essential while I homeschooled Neil for a year and a half. But more than three years ago he went back to regular school, and I went back to my regular hours at my day job. I also kept the side job, and it really helped to get caught up on bills. I had next to no free time, but I had no debt for a while, and that was great!

But I started noticing that I wasn’t writing much at all. And I stopped blogging. My depression reached the worst level ever and even after I got that taken care of, I still felt agitated because I didn’t have the time or the energy to do what I loved, what fulfilled me. I wasn’t taking care of my soul. And now, a week after the dinner party, I know that I wasn’t honoring myself.

I’m actually finishing up a round of royalty statements next week (one reason I haven’t posted in a while). It was supposed to be finished last week, but there have been technical difficulties with the software program so the process has dragged out even longer. The work is causing so much anxiety that I really don’t need in my life and taking up hours that could have been spent writing. Don’t get me wrong! I’m very glad that I’ve had the job, and very appreciative – I’ve had some close friends be out of work in the last couple of years, and they are always in my thoughts. One thing I’ve learned as a special needs parent is to take nothing for granted, especially not employment.

But I’ve also learned, many years ago, the oxygen mask principle (although I rarely apply it). And so, in the spirit of taking care of my emotional needs first, I’ve decided to let go of my seasonal job, even though I’m heavily in debt due to short-selling my house, even though to most people I’m shooting myself in the foot, even though it makes no sense whatsoever. I’m finally going to honor myself.

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In the living room that night, we took turns giving our tentative answers, most of them involving some facet of respect. Of course we all know how to honor someone else, or how to live with honor, but how to honor ourselves? Sadly, that involved a lot more discussion, a lot more figuring out. And I, for one, don’t think that it should be that way. It’s something we should know, and put into practice as often as possible – honoring our needs so that, ultimately, we can help others with theirs.

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