Neil’s 17th Birthday, Oct. 2011
June – graduation – is four months away, along with Neil’s transition to an adult foster home. Most days I feel that it can’t come soon enough. And I don’t know if I would have thought that way ten years ago, so those of you with younger kids, I don’t expect you to understand. Those of you with older kids who don’t feel that way, I applaud you. And I wish I hadn’t been a single parent for fourteen years. (While we’re wishing, I wish certain disorders – including my own! – hadn’t been a part of that package.)
But there are the days when I feel like June’s coming on me like a truck, that I have too much to do to prepare in addition to the daily, weekly grind. So many time-consuming doctor appointments and prescription problems. And guardianship! He’s been 18 for over three months and I’m still deciding if I should pursue it. There are some cons to it when your child is “moderately functioning” that I have to weigh. But if I’m going to do it, I need to start the process soon.
In addition to all of that, we are still touring adult foster homes, and just saw our third one last week. So far, the last two have not been as much of a fit as the first one. The second one was a family home that had a toddler (random screeching, even if it’s playful, is not going to work) and no internet (for a YouTube junkie, really not going to work). The third one was also a family home with a baby (crying? Uh, no). Fortunately there are a few others in our vicinity, and we will continue to tour them. In May, we begin the application process.
It’s not lost on me that this is sort of like college touring for special needs parents. Instead of colleges, it’s residential placements. But it’s the same thing. You take your teenager to look at places where they’re going to be living. I’m not sad that it’s different. I mean, I may still get to tour colleges with Adam. But even if that doesn’t happen, it’s okay. We’ve always walked a different path, and this is just another different stop along the way. Neil still wants to go to film school, and maybe in a few years, if he continues to evolve as he always has, that will be possible. And then, by God, we’ll go and tour film schools.
Here’s the thing: I wish I had the strength to let him stay with me until then. Four years ago, I said that he could. I believed that he would, believed that I could do that for him, assumed that that’s how it would be. Like most special needs parents plan to do – until they no longer can. I guess I just reached the “no longer can” part sooner than others. And I need to make peace with that. I need to remind myself that we can only do the best we can with the information we have at the time. I know I did, but I need to have that be enough, to believe it, to feel it in my core. And I’m not there yet.
And you are doing it — the whole way — with uncommon grace. Thank you for sharing your insecurities and your triumphs; I’m not sure you realize how enormously helpful your insight and experience is —
Again I am walking just a few steps behind you. I understand your ambivalent feelings. I have them about so many things in this journey. We are going through the “I don’t need you people” phase. He has no idea how much he needs us. At the same time …I have this feeling that he will do much better if he had a little more space away from us. Hugs to you my friend.
Yeah, I remember your earlier blog post about the first place, that does sound like the best place you’ve toured so far. I sure hope you settle on a place where Neil will be happy and feel free enough to continue pursuing his interests.
I love your writing and admire you for your honesty and your willingness to do what’s right for your son. This is a process .. I know you know that. Don’t judge yourself. It’s a process. Do what you know is right in your heart at the time. There is no right/wrong/cookie-cutter way of handling this. Follow the process..
(Yeah, yeah .. easy for me to say. I’m a decade behind you..)
Thank you, Elizabeth, this means so much.
Oh, Karen, I had to LOL about “I don’t need you people” – I hear variations of that on an almost daily basis. Maybe it’s their way of making it easier for us. HA! Yes, I crack myself up sometimes : ) Sending love your way…
Thanks, Lex, I’ll definitely keep you posted.
Judith, thank you so much for your comment. I can’t tell you how much your words have helped me – “willingness to do what’s right for your son” – it literally just hit me. Having him stay with me isn’t necessarily what’s right for him. It might be what I think is right in general, what I’m “supposed” to do as a special needs parent, but it might not be the best thing for someone who truly wishes he could be independent. He wants to “move out,” and the supported living home will be his training wheels to do that, even if it doesn’t progress beyond that.
You may be a decade behind me, but your wisdom is far ahead!
Doing what is right for him is the best gift you can give him. As always, I appreciate reading your truth, so thank you for sharing parts of this process. xoxo my friend. You are doing a good job.
What they said.
And, love you.
Thanks for keeping us posted. For me it is positive that Neil wants to try and make the move. px
Tanya, I know exactly how you feel about the “can’t come soon enough” (and for me it’s at least 2 years away!) Though I share your guilt at saying it, as well. But I know that if my daughter is ever to have a full life as an adult, she needs to be away from home, to stop her dependence on us and learn her own resourcefulness. Not to mention living in a place where she isn’t the center of the universe and can’t just verbally abuse those around her at will!
As always, you lead the way for the rest of us.
Practice love. with yourself.
Kim, thank you so much. Hugs to you!
Rhemashope, love you too.
Thanks, Paulene, it definitely helps that he wants to do this too!
Jan, thanks so much for your comment! I *totally* understand about the verbal abuse part – one of autism’s greatest ironies!
Carrie, thank you, I will try to remind myself to do that!
“I guess I just reached the “no longer can” part sooner than others.”
You’ve lasted way longer than the majority of people could have, if they’d been wearing your shoes. Truly. And with such love and respect for Neil all the way. Be gentle with yourself. You are an amazing and devoted mom and you have been so strong. It is time to allow yourself some support.
Thanks so much, Michelle. Little by little I am getting to the point of accepting that doing this isn’t a sign of weakness or throwing in the towel. I’m so grateful to you and this whole community for helping me to see that.
Love you.
I’m so happy for you and Neil! Don’t beat yourself up over anticipating his next move. He’s an adult now, he needs this kind of independence. And your anticipation at getting some “you time” is a healthy sign that you’re not codependent or overly protective of him. Well done sis!
ah my dearest friend, you blog is an inspiration to us all. you have more courage and heart then most!!! as a parent of a bipolar teenage girl, i can relate 18 can not came fast enough, but when it is here, will she be ready for the real world……..
Love you and please dont let anyone judge you
You are an amazing mom who has always done a superwoman job with her kids
If there is one thing that life has taught me till now – is to not judge
We don’t choose the path. We just do the best we can to walk where we are put. As someone wrote, you are doing this with uncommon grace. I will aways be on your side, just a click away.
Oh Mac and Tammy, I love you both so much. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Floortime Lite Mama, love you too, and I appreciate your reminder – I need to not judge myself as well!
Thank you, Susan, I’m so glad to have you in my corner.