The Year of Emotional Needs

“Did you exchange a walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?” – Pink Floyd

Neil, at age twelve, insisted upon continuing to ride the regular school bus on which he had been bullied and tormented instead of accepting the school district’s offer to provide a sped bus for him, saying, “I just want to be like everybody else.” He would rather have a lead role in the war than anything in a cage. His lifelong emotional need? To belong.

As the year was coming to a close and a new one beginning, I went into my usual “Re” mode, and am still there. I’ve been meditating a lot, figuring out what 2012 meant for me and what I need to focus on in 2013. I make goals, not resolutions, although I understand the need for those as well. I go within, I pray, but I also consult alternative sources, because I value insight in any form. And so I do an annual numerological reading on my personal year. I am starting a 2 year, which focuses on “relationships, sensitivity and cooperation.” And with those things must come a necessary awareness of emotional needs, both of others and of ourselves.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about emotional needs in the past week, especially how we relate socially, since this is the year of relationships. Successful relationships, of any kind, require the knowledge of individual emotional needs, which can be determined by observance. I knew Neil’s need long ago, when I witnessed my preverbal four-year-old try to play with his peers by laughing and bumping into them, because when he watched them at the playground, to him that’s what they appeared to be doing. It didn’t go well, but that was his first attempt to belong. Adam, now 16, was more complex in his socio-emotional needs. But I finally realized during his visit this week that his constant need to be with his friends – and meet new friends – indicates that he has a strong need to identify. He is constantly searching, evaluating, changing.

Of course it’s impossible to encapsulate all of our needs into just one word, but I believe that if we can effectively summarize what it is we and our loved ones seek when we relate socially (not necessarily on an intimate, familial level) to other people, we can better meet those needs and understand each other. I’ve come up with some possibilities:

• To accept
• To belong
• To connect
• To identify
• To inform
• To impress
• To inspire
• To influence
• To learn
• To network
• To support

It wasn’t until I had been a blogger for almost a year and had become friends with many other parents of children with autism that I discovered my own socio-emotional need: to connect. Some blog to inform, to inspire, to learn, to network, or to support. And in reality I try to do all of those things as well. But my core need throughout my life has been to connect, especially with those whom I have something in common.

So what does this tell me about 2013? For myself, I need to make time to blog regularly, for Adam, I need to encourage him to spend as much time with friends as possible, and for Neil, I need to help him align with groups of people in which he feels that he belongs. I think that meeting these socio-emotional needs will go a long way in helping us to feel happy and appreciated. And in the end, that’s what we all want and need.

image source: mcgt.net